Diagnosis or identification marks the beginning of a long journey to unlearn that shame. Disability communities try to help by sending messages of acceptance and pride. Even with this support, the process of learning to accept themselves often takes years. 

One reason is that neurodivergent people have few role models who can show how acceptance looks and feels. Even other neurodivergent people struggle with it.

How All or Nothing Thinking Leads us Away from Acceptance

Conversations about disability acceptance are often full of all-or-nothing thinking.

I will give several examples of the black-and-white thinking neurodivergent people use when talking about themselves. However, neurotypical family, friends, teachers, and clinicians say similar things about neurodivergent people. 

Some people try to feel better about themselves by denying they have a disability at all. They might say, “my ADHD/autism is a gift.” That belief can leave them unprepared to deal with ADHD- or autism-related problems when they do occur. That might be one reason that high-achieving neurodivergent people burn out. Also, proving our worth by declaring our superpowers suggests that people must perform at superhuman levels to be acceptable. However, some neurodivergent (and neurotypical) people don’t have “superpowers,” and that’s OK. They still deserve acceptance.

Some people try to ignore or separate themselves from their disability. They might say, “I don’t define myself by my ADHD/autism.” Yet, even when it’s not part of their identity, it can affect their lives. Ignoring a disability makes it harder to understand why certain things are challenging and what support would help. When I used to ignore my difficulties as much as possible, I’d feel stunned when I suddenly, unexpectedly lost my phone or forgot an appointment. ADHD inevitably seemed to hit me out of nowhere. 

Some people give up at times, thinking, “my autism/ADHD will always be there, and it takes immense effort to make the tiniest change in my habits, so why bother?” That’s resignation (and probably depression), not acceptance.

Some people aim to feel proud of their disability itself. Yet it’s difficult, perhaps unrealistic, to feel proud of taking hours longer to finish homework, losing a job due to missing too many work meetings, or just feeling exhausted all the time. It’s difficult to delight in being unable to see far-away friends or accept distant in-person jobs because you can’t drive. It’s tough to love and take pride in something that makes your life harder. 

None of these stances are accepted

Acceptance is Thinking “Yes, And”

Acceptance is seeing the full effect of the disability, while viewing yourself as worthy —  maybe even liking yourself. 

Disability acceptance is a type of what Dialectical Behavioral Therapy calls “dialectical thinking.” In other words, it involves reconciling two perspectives that at first seem contradictory, linking them with an “and.”

Disability acceptance sounds like this:

• I read slowly, and I’m okay.
• I take a long time to reply to emails, and I’m a good person.
• I feel exhausted after spending time in loud, crowded places, and I don’t need fixing.
• I can’t drive, and I deserve the same opportunities as anyone else.

Neurodivergence can cause problems in the wrong environment, when we lack the support we need to function at our best. We are not a problem.

Accepting ourselves, disabilities included, means accepting our imperfections. 

Many people have difficulty accepting their own imperfections, including neurotypical people. Although neurodivergent people face an especially intense struggle to accept ourselves, and see especially few examples of self acceptance, everyone faces societal pressure to feel unworthy. 

For example, the beauty and fitness industries rely on people thinking they must be “perfect” (however defined) to be beautiful, and they must be beautiful to be worthy. When people who are a shape or size deemed ugly feel shame, they spend endless money, time, and energy trying to “fix” themselves. What people eat and how they move their bodies should be about taking care of themselves, but societal pressure frames it as fixing themselves. 

So, how can we push all these -isms out of our heads?

We need to learn self compassion for ourselves, and just plain compassion for others. 

Acceptance Means Compassion for Ourselves and Others

Kristin Neff, a leading advocate for self compassion, defines it as follows:

“We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives. Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing.”

Self compassion drives us to improve ourselves:

“It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy.”